First Full Day Home

I know I haven't written been on my blog lately but it has been really difficult. On March 13th I was rushed down to the operating room because Olivia's heart rate dropped and wasn't going back up. I was on the operating table and her heart rate came back up and they decided to monitor me and not do the c-section. I was literally about 5 minutes from being cut open when they changed their minds. I was monitored for about 24 hours and then moved back to the 4th floor. March 15th to the 19th were very difficult because every time I was put on the monitors her heart rate would have so many fluctuations that I was on the monitors anywhere from 3 to 4 hours at a time. Every time her heart rate went down the nurses would come running in and have me flip from side to side to get Olivia off of her cord. On the 13th she managed to flip from lying side ways (what the doctors call a transverse position) to a head down position. The problem was that Olivia's cord was above her head so she would put pressure on the cord when she bumped into my cervix. Again on March 19th Olivia's heart rate when down and the doctor did an ultrasound and decided due to Olivia's position and her heart rate he wanted me downstairs on the 3rd floor (labor and delivery) for closer observation. The operating room is seconds away from Labor and Delivery so they put high risk patients there. After a 3 min 40 second dip in Olivia's heart rate Dr Durbec decided to do the c-section.

Olivia was born March 19th at 4:18 pm. When the doctor pulled her out she let out a little cry. Dr. Durbec said she was a beautiful baby. Andy was in the operating room and held my hand the whole time. I am so glad he was there because it was very frightening to me that I was awake and being cut wide open. I could feel the pulling and tugging and it really freaked me out.

Finally I went to recovery and it took a long time for me to get feeling back in my legs and feet (a little over 4 hours). I was then taken to see Olivia in the NICU and then to my recovery room on the 5th floor. Olivia was so tiny and beautiful. When I was in the hospital I would go down and see her as much as I could. I couldn't do much but I would stand there and stare at her; my little miracle. I still have a hard time believing that Andy and I created this little creature. She is such a little fighter and just the sweetest little thing.

I was released from the hospital on the 23rd (yesterday). I had a hard time knowing that I was being released and wouldn't be just upstairs from Olivia. I would go downstairs at 3 am and at 5 am I loved being in the NICU because it is lightly lit and quiet, peaceful. The last day I was able to do skin on skin with Olivia and it was just so amazing and calming. I cannot even put into words how it made me feel or still makes me feel when I think back.

The first day home has been kind of hard. I find thoughts that make me sad or mad creeping in my mind and do my best to push them out. Part of me feels empty and alone without Olivia. I miss the little kicks and pokes I would get from Olivia and not having her home with me just makes me feel like a little piece of me is missing. I try not to think about that and just think about how good she is doing and her beautiful face. We still have so much to do before she gets here. Olivia's room isn't even close to being done and we don't even have a car seat to bring her home in. I feel bad because I know I am a little irritable lately but I just have so many different feelings and emotions and frustration. I always feel so peaceful and happy when I am at the NICU though. I was proud of Andy today because I had to go pump and so he changed Olivia's diaper and took her temperature. The videos posted show my beautiful little girl and how well she is doing.