First Full Day Home

I know I haven't written been on my blog lately but it has been really difficult. On March 13th I was rushed down to the operating room because Olivia's heart rate dropped and wasn't going back up. I was on the operating table and her heart rate came back up and they decided to monitor me and not do the c-section. I was literally about 5 minutes from being cut open when they changed their minds. I was monitored for about 24 hours and then moved back to the 4th floor. March 15th to the 19th were very difficult because every time I was put on the monitors her heart rate would have so many fluctuations that I was on the monitors anywhere from 3 to 4 hours at a time. Every time her heart rate went down the nurses would come running in and have me flip from side to side to get Olivia off of her cord. On the 13th she managed to flip from lying side ways (what the doctors call a transverse position) to a head down position. The problem was that Olivia's cord was above her head so she would put pressure on the cord when she bumped into my cervix. Again on March 19th Olivia's heart rate when down and the doctor did an ultrasound and decided due to Olivia's position and her heart rate he wanted me downstairs on the 3rd floor (labor and delivery) for closer observation. The operating room is seconds away from Labor and Delivery so they put high risk patients there. After a 3 min 40 second dip in Olivia's heart rate Dr Durbec decided to do the c-section.

Olivia was born March 19th at 4:18 pm. When the doctor pulled her out she let out a little cry. Dr. Durbec said she was a beautiful baby. Andy was in the operating room and held my hand the whole time. I am so glad he was there because it was very frightening to me that I was awake and being cut wide open. I could feel the pulling and tugging and it really freaked me out.

Finally I went to recovery and it took a long time for me to get feeling back in my legs and feet (a little over 4 hours). I was then taken to see Olivia in the NICU and then to my recovery room on the 5th floor. Olivia was so tiny and beautiful. When I was in the hospital I would go down and see her as much as I could. I couldn't do much but I would stand there and stare at her; my little miracle. I still have a hard time believing that Andy and I created this little creature. She is such a little fighter and just the sweetest little thing.

I was released from the hospital on the 23rd (yesterday). I had a hard time knowing that I was being released and wouldn't be just upstairs from Olivia. I would go downstairs at 3 am and at 5 am I loved being in the NICU because it is lightly lit and quiet, peaceful. The last day I was able to do skin on skin with Olivia and it was just so amazing and calming. I cannot even put into words how it made me feel or still makes me feel when I think back.

The first day home has been kind of hard. I find thoughts that make me sad or mad creeping in my mind and do my best to push them out. Part of me feels empty and alone without Olivia. I miss the little kicks and pokes I would get from Olivia and not having her home with me just makes me feel like a little piece of me is missing. I try not to think about that and just think about how good she is doing and her beautiful face. We still have so much to do before she gets here. Olivia's room isn't even close to being done and we don't even have a car seat to bring her home in. I feel bad because I know I am a little irritable lately but I just have so many different feelings and emotions and frustration. I always feel so peaceful and happy when I am at the NICU though. I was proud of Andy today because I had to go pump and so he changed Olivia's diaper and took her temperature. The videos posted show my beautiful little girl and how well she is doing.

Meet Olivia

Week 28 Day 1

So yesterday and today have been really good days. I almost feel a little guilty for my leisurely day yesterday. I had an amazing massage which I fell asleep during and proceeded to drool all over the massage therapist's pillow....whoops. Then I went to tea time and had tea and banana bread. We all got to tell our stories and I realized how wonderfully boring and normal (if there truly is such a thing) Andy and I are. When some of the women spoke I truly thought I was listening to a lifetime movie! Andy got to join the group at the end and he loaded up on the bread; he was quite cute.

Today I participated in Arts & Crafts time and was lucky to have my friend Jennifer visit me at that time and participate too. We made St Patty's day boxes. I painted my purple and green and did not follow the "less is more" philosophy. I decorated my box with ribbon, shamrocks, and bedazzle it. I am truly an accountant because my artistic ability is minimum. Jennifer was gracious enough to take the box home to her daughter Alana; I figured if anyone would appreciate my gaudiness it would be an adorable 4 year old.

I am surprisingly finding things to fill my time and make the day pass. I am going to start doing some work and was able to change my cpa review classes to online at my own convenience starting in May (we will see if that will work out). I am still trying to take things one day at a time and accept that I may not be able to do everything and do it exactly the way I planned. I am finding that I am excited about what the future holds and how it will all map out.

I still need to register so I will try to do that tomorrow. Andy is in charge of getting Olivia's room ready while I am gone which I am surprisingly not worried about. I know that if she is born too early she will not be coming home right away but I would like to get as much done now as possible so I don't feel stressed once I do get home.

Things are definitely different from what I had planned but I truly believe they are going to turn out okay. The stats the doc gave me today are so much better and continue to get better each day. Olivia has the stubbornness and strength of Andy's family and mine so hopefully she will fight to stay in there for several weeks to come. No matter what happens, I am so proud of my little girl and I love her more than I ever thought I would.

Saturday, March 6th

I can't believe it is already Saturday; I have almost been in the hospital for a week. The time has really flown by! I have watched several movies and am contemplating taking a temporary career as a movie critic. :) I wish I knew how to do arts and crafts because I need to work on something or accomplish something. My husband, Andy, laughs at the thought of me doing arts and crafts. I was the little kid in grade school that would end up gluing their fingers together.

So this whole experience has taught me how terribly spoiled I am. My mom asked me what comes on tv and I couldn't tell her because we DVR everything so I don't have to know what day or time shows come on. The nurse came in last night while I was watching tv and when she left I was looking for the rewind button on the remote (obviously there wasn't one). Then there is the hospital food; I told Andy I might starve to death. Andy and his sister had no problem eating the food but my mom and I didn't like it much. I realize that my husband has a very spoiled wife but I was also lucky because growing I had no idea what mashed potatoes out of a box was. I am so lucky my husband puts up with my behavior.

Week 27 Day 2

Today was a tough one; I was pretty worn out from last night. Last night Olivia's heart rate took a bunch of dips and I started contracting. It was so scary listening to her heartbeat slow and then barely be there. I started to get really upset especially since the nurses kept coming in and they were very concerned. The doctor ended up ordering a shot that would stop the contractions since she wasn't tolerating them. The shot made my heart race and my body shake; it was like having 10 cups of coffee. I seriously thought my heart might leap out of my chest but I kept closing my eyes and trying to calm down. Olivia pulled through and did so well; I am so proud of her. Unfortunately the whole experience left me depressed this morning and made me feel so vulnerable. I realize that I am a control freak and I have to release those tendencies because obviously I can't control everything. I have never felt so much anxiety and panic in my life. So the goal is to relax and start taking things day by day, moment by moment. Life likes to teach us little lessons and boy am I being schooled!!

Week 27 Day 1

There isn't much to do here in the hospital so my sister-in -law helped me create a blog so everyone can keep up-to-date with how Olivia and I are doing. We had a great night and her vitals are doing really well. Hopefully she can continue this streak for 5 more weeks. Being stuck on bed rest gives a person a lot of time to reflect and think about things. I just know in my heart that Olivia is going to pull through all this. She is so loved already by so many people and she has such great people in her life that she hasn't even met yet. My heart swells when I think of everyone pulling for her and loving her. I feel so blessed and I only hope that I can give back to everyone half of what they have given me these past 5 days. Thank you to everyone; please know how much you have helped my family and how much we love you all.